The experience of the betrayed.
You didn’t cause it and it isn’t your fault. Your partner is 100% responsible. Infidelity betrayal is a trauma and post trauma responses are normal. It’s a primal panic – a deep fear – I won’t be okay in the world now. Your partner is now a threat. And yet you still need love and safety at the same time. It can make some people feel a profound amount of attachment distress. Your ‘person in the world who is supposed to keep you safe’, just hurt you in the worst way imaginable. You may be having symptoms of incredible distress: sobbing, inability to eat, to sleep, to take care of your basic needs. Obsessive thoughts, constant need for information. Suddenly, your future and everything that you thought was secure, is now unsafe. It’s broken. It could make childhood distress flood back. Rapid heart beat, sickness in your stomach, headache, panic, nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, sweats – all normal responses to the trauma and extremely distressing and scary.
Everything changes moment to moment: You body has no idea what to do. One moment you have a deep need for connection, the next moment your body is angry (interrogation, questioning) and wants to fight, and the next moment you may want to run (end things, divorce, shut down/ depression). All of these feelings are a normal response to the trauma.
The unfaithful:
Everything that was just said above – you need to understand. What your partner is going through is a biological response. The extreme difference in reactiveness moment to moment is a direct result of the adrenaline released from the body in the face of danger – and you are the danger. It’s vital for the unfaithful partner to understand what the betrayed partner is feeling, and to understand why the betrayed partner is now doing what they are doing – how they are responding to the trauma that has occurred. AND, it’s also important for you to realize how you are feeling – helpless, out of control, ashamed, scared, etc. Recovery can begin when the unfaithful partner can be open to the suffering of the other. By educating both partners as to the normal trauma response our bodies experience, it can help to begin the recovery process.
Treatment
Couples counseling for infidelity is a mix between recognizing the normal responses in the body to trauma, grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and talking about what you need to create for the next chapter – a more honest portrayal of what you need from one another.
The unfaithtful partner must be patient, and empathetic. You have to sit in the pain and fear for awhile. A new bond has to develop between the two of you. Trust only comes back when the space becomes safe – when you both grow relationally in ways that require you to turn towards one another and assertively and honestly communicate the needs you have. This is the opportunity for change.
Couple Counseling for Infidelity and Betrayal
Thrive Counseling Center NJ can help you both begin the process of healing. It may be that one, or both of you need individual therapy to heal the trauma. We can discuss this as the therapy unfolds and we understand what you both need.